No Devils
by sf
Summary: I sux0r at summary. Actually, I don't. An all powerful not-so-moronic original female character who detests Sanzo falls in love with him. [Companion fic to No Angels. The legacy of bad and stupid fics continues!]
1. Prologue : Return to the Nightmare

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No Devils  
A companion fic to No Angels.

By : Elvaron 'sf' Starfire-Ithilwaya. Since they're going for long and unwieldy handles, I'll use my full handle too! 'sides, it's a _legitimate_ callsign _. It has a _history_. *gasp* *shock* *pffft*.

Begun : Dec 23 2002.

*Knowledge of the disclaimers binding 'No Angels' required. Some knowledge of the fic would be good too.*

Summary : An all powerful not-so-moronic original female character who detests Sanzo falls in love with him. 

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Disclaimer :  
We make no pretenses. This is a *MARY-SUE*. Scream and run away NOW. For those of you brave enough to venture forth, beware of extreme cheesiness, fangirl japanese and all other elements characteristic of a Mary-Sue, self insert, Sanzo + original character fic. Don't say that we didn't warn you.

Mary Sue (MS) -- The original female character, who has _no place_ in the fiction, but ends up taking over the entire plot. For some reason, every viable male will instantly fall for her attractions, becoming grossly out of character (OOC) in the process. Some Mary Sues have supernatural powers (come on, getting Sanzo to bed you must be a supernatural power in itself...), no tangible personality, and is perfect in every way.

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Foreword :

Do you know what's the sad thing? When I need to find an MS or stupid fic to reference, I just pop by ff.net and click around. I can always find one on the first page of the Saiyuki section.

No Devils, like No Angels, exists as a practical joke. While not intended to be hurtful, it does have its own Morals (MORALS! MY GOD!), that usually have nothing to do with the plot whatsoever. (What plot?) Most of the time, though, these fics, fondly termed 'Bad fics', or, if slightly better, 'Stupid Fics', or, if really bad, 'Trash', are written as a totally inane form of humor. It serves as a platform for me to belt words out by the hundreds on the keyboard in between my normal fics, to go begging for reviews like a review slut, and generally, write complete crap. 

Sounds familiar? Bad-fics breed other bad-fics.

****

Shameless, unabashed self-promotion :   
Do not proceed beyond this point without reading No Angels!   
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=950586

****

The Cast :

Genjo Sanzo, sf's love interest. ^______^  
sf : The Fanfic Author, or the Power that Is.   
sf's Muse : The Other Fanfic Author, or the Power that Are.  
fs : The Angel who falls in love with Genjo Sanzo in 'No Angels'. sf's self-insert, later disowned.   
Evilfs, hence forth known as eefs *snicker* : fs' evil twin, who hates Sanzo's guts.

Warnings : Characterization? What characterization? Original female character. Could be viewed as the sequel to 'No Angels', if anything remotely resembling a 'plot' existed in 'No Angels'. As it is, accept it as an On-crack-side-plot/omake thing.

sf : *plucking Sanzo out from somewhere in the middle of No Angels* A moment of your time, Sanzo-sama.  
Sanzo : Thank _Kanzeon Bosatsu_ that you got me out of there!  
sf : ...Honto?   
Sanzo : Actually, maybe not. I don't like that gleam in your eyes.  
sf : I'm sorry.  
Sanzo : No, you're _not!_ Or you wouldn't be doing this.  
sf : Blame the fic bunnies ^_^. *plonks Sanzo onto the 'No Devils' alternate reality set. Good luck! And remember, I wuv you, and fs wuvs you too! *hearts*

Sanzo : I'm going to be sick.

sf works presents :   
**No Devils  
**"And you thought _No Angels_ was bad."

****

Prologue : Return to the Nightmare

Real warnings : Innuendo and offensive language. I kid you not. 

() -- Offstage.

It was a dark and stormy night. Lightning flashed. Thunder boomed. And cliches ran rampant through the halls.

(sf's Muse : Hey, if we'd done this tomorrow...)  
(sf : Who cares about time frame? The christmas fics are already appearing!)  
(Muse : Righto. Let's try again.)

T'was the night before christmas, when all through the fic, not a creature was stirring, not even a Mary Sue.

(Muse : It doesn't rhyme.)  
(sf : Who _cares?!)  
_(Muse : Nono, let's try this.)

T'was the night before christmas, when all through the fic, not a creature was stirring, not even a chick.

(sf : .......)  
(Muse : What would you have me use? Prick? _Dick?_ Hakkai and Gojyo would have to be sleeping, then!)  
(sf : This is not a yaoi fic.)  
(Muse : Oh. Whatever.)

[Apologies to any readers who might have suffered permanent mental damage from that.]

(sf : Alrighty, alrighty -- Sanzo-sama! You're up!)

Sanzo was nestled all snug in his bed,   
While visions of Mary-Sues danced in his head..

Sanzo : ARGH! WHAT A NIGHTMARE!

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,   
He sprang from his bed to see what was the matter.   
Away to the window he flew like a flash,   
Tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,   
Gave the luster of midday to objects below,   
When what to his wondering eyes should appear,   
But an oversized sleigh, and his greatest fear.

(Muse : Rhythm's out.)  
(sf : Who cares?!)

Sanzo : _Kami-sama!_ It's a _2nd_ original female character!!!  
eefs : Bwahahhaahhahaa. *lightning crackles*  
fs (appearing) : No!!!!! It's my evil sister!  
eefs : Bwahahahhahahaa. *thunder booms*.  
fs : Ahh! *leaps in front of Sanzo* I'll defend you to the end!  
Sanzo : I don't need--  
eefs : Bwahahhahahahah. *waves wand. fs, the all powerful angel-capable-of-defeating-Gyuumao is banished in an instant to nethernether land.*  
eefs *advancing on Sanzo*. : You Are All Mine. *evil laughter*

Sanzo : sfffffffffff, I'm going to _get you for this!_

(Muse : Cliffhanger time?)  
(sf : Aye, cliffhanger.)

--  
TBC  
--

sf : I don't know _how_ they do this for every chapter of every fic...  
Muse : Summon the strength and the courage, sf. It's the last chapter for today.  
sf : *wearily*. oi. you. pweez r/r........ *collapses from the strain*.  
Muse : Well done. *drags sf back to sanity*.


	2. Chapter 1 : The Nightmare Strikes Back!

ARGH! Work is killing my brain cells! I can't write proper fic at the moment! 

So since people actually want this fic updated, I'll sit here and write crap, since my And Time Again fic bunny ran away. 

Ashtoreth -- I am a slow writer, because, unlike other writers here, I am old enough to have a life that keeps me away from the computer for 90% of the day... -_-. Besides, the best writers are all the slow ones. XD

I also have a lot of fics.

jashuang -- sf stands for 'Stupendously Fabulous'. No, actually it doesn't.

So here we have eefs advancing on Sanzo, sf-sama with no clue how to continue the fic, and they arrive at the famous pass of Impasse.   
(Muse : *holding a map*. It says : This way to MS-land.)  
(sf : *Looks at map. Frowns*. Alright, let's just do a stupid plot twist.)  
(Muse : Right.)  
(sf : Left.)

****

No Devils Mission Statement  
_Shamelessly stolen from 'No Angels'._**  
**For those who've missed the point.

'No Devils' is not a fic. 'No Devils' is a fic parody -- a spoof of all the Mary Sue fics I've read. It's a gross exaggeration of many of them, posed to be deliberately derogatory and deliberately stupid. If it actually discourages future stupid fics along this line, if it actually points out to authors that sTuPiD cApItAlIzAtIoN, weepy!Sanzo, all-powerful-self-inserts, and other elements that I've slammed throughout the fic are not generally what makes a good fic, then my mission is accomplished.

****

Chapter 1 : The Nightmare Strikes Back!  
Or : The Cheesy Chapter titles strike back!

Sanzo : *whips out Smith and Wesson* *shoots*

eefs : *dodges bullets* Ha! Every half-baked martial artist can dodge bullets these days!  
Sanzo : But you're not a martial artist, no matter how half baked.  
eefs : But I'm All Powerful Self-Insert (albeit disowned), Original Female Character 13th grade, Order of the Mary Sue, grand high goddess of the land, and ... *frowns*. Betrothed at birth to one Genjo Sanzo.  
Sanzo : Uh-oh. This is where the trouble begins.  
eefs : So since it is my Destiny(!), I guess we should both get married.  
Sanzo : WTF? But... *gestures helplessly*.  
eefs : My evil sister has been eliminated. So that particular marriage is annulled.  


sf : *ahem*.  
eefs : What?  
sf : Sanzo is mine. So therefore, as my disowned self-insert, you are allowed to cohabit and procreate with the high priest, but not marry him. Procreation via artificial insemination only.   
eefs : Begone, thou--  
sf : *zaps eefs*. Remember : Fanfic-author = God.  
eefs : Damn you!  
sf : *snickers*

Sanzo : Honestly, I don't know which of them is worse.. *snorts in disgust*.

eefs : Alright, alright. But my internal programming makes me hate you. So I'll just kill you first and then live happily ever after with you.  
Sanzo : Riiiiight. Don't you have to do some quest or other before you get married the Highest Priest in the Land, who, incidently, bond by the rules of his faith, is not supposed to marry?  
sf : Overruled by the rules of stupid fics, which state that the High Priest of the Land must _Mary_. Mary Sue.  
Sanzo : But I'm not interested in females! (Or males too, for that matter.)  
sf : Since when did your opinion matter a smidgen in romance [1] fics -- het or yaoi or otherwise?  
Sanzo : Damnit.  
[1] Inclusive of *coughs* non-con fics *coughs*.

eefs : So what am I supposed to do with my internal programming? *screeches*.  
sf : I don't know. Your sister was easier to write. Maybe you shouldn't have killed her off.  
eefs : I hate you all, because I am a xenophobe with a bad case of vocabulary!

sf : *wanders off, humming the lyrics to 'Forever Young'* _Let us die young or let us live forever..  
_Sanzo : I opt for 'Die young!' Preferably, 'Die now!'.

At this point, young Sanzofs (Sanzo and fs' kid from No Angels), saved the fic by running in. 

Sanzofs : Daddy~!

(Muse : sf? We underwent a slight time warp, and the kid kind of grew up in the mean time... so he's in the brattish stage at the moment.)  
(sf : Of course, this throws all continuity with No-N-sense out of the window...)  
(Muse : Whoever cared about continuity in stupid fics?)

Sanzo : Argh! Get this brat away from me!  
sf : *tsk*! You're supposed to be nice! *pulls out Wand-of-OOCness*.

Sanzo : awwwwww.... darling, come to daddy.... daddy wuvs you!

Sanzofs : Daddy! Where's mummy?

Sanzo experiences a moment of heart-wrenching angst.  
Sanzo : *thinking* _She's gone. She's gone forever. Why? Why? Why on earth didn't she _die earlier?!

And because sf has hang-ups about family matters, we shall turn off the 'logic' inhibitors and rush through this part...

eefs : Awwwwwww, what an adorable baby!  
(sf : Now you see why I disowned you. I hate kids. *shudders*)  
eefs : Come to mummy... I am your mummy... join me, and we shall rule the universe and the multiverse together!  
Sanzofs : No! You're not my father! You cannot be! I refuse to believe it! Ahhhhhh!  
eefs : Of course I'm not your father. I'm your evil step-mother. I am....... the Phantom of the Opera!

Sanzo : Get your hands off my darling!  
eefs : He's mine! Mine! *grabs Sanzofs and disappears in a flash of light.*

(Muse : Whoa, that was unexpected.)  
(sf : The crap generator has warmed up.)

Sanzo : Oh no! My darling! And my darling fs, who is probably in Hell but is probably still alive... I have to rescue both of them!   
Sanzo runs off after his (new) wife and kid, nevermind that when someone disappears in a flash of light, you don't usually know which way they went in. 

Sometime later, a map floated down from the Heavens into Sanzo's hands. There was a large, red arrow stating : This way to MS-land. And our gallant High Priest set off once again on the Quest of his Life...

***  
TBC  
***


	3. Chapter 2 : Return of the Nightmare!

sf stands for 'superfish'.

I can't understand why some people actually want this fic updated (aren't all of you scared off by the horror that is eefs already?!), but since there is demand, there shall be supply.

Let there be MSes~!

****

Chapter 2 : Return of the Nightmare!  
Or : sf is going to get sued by Lucasfilms soon!
    
    So....

Sanzo rode and rode and rode---

--wait, was he riding?

...no?...

...whoops.

So....

Sanzo ran and ran and ran, and because he had so much practice running from Mary Sues, he could theoretically run from one end of the earth to the other without stopping.

So can sf, actually, because the world is round. (In other words, running from one end to the other entails taking one step backwards.)

But anyway.

[I'm only updating this because I'm holding off from writing the next chapter of 'And Time Again' and I have a mad-bad-craving for Hazelnut Coffee that can't be sated for the want of Hazelnut Coffee and the wont of gastric.]

What? You mean the previous paragraph had nothing to do with the story? But I'm just showing the passage of time, see? 

#Cut~!  
#Take 2232...

So....

Sanzo ran and walked and ran and walked, and we shall not care about things like the lack of toilets on the way.

And eventually he reached MS-land, where eefs was kicking up a storm.

eefs : Why on earth did I bring this brat home? He's eating me out of house and home and he stinks! And he whines! And wails! Oh damnit...

And Sanzo had second thoughts. (And third and fourth and fifth.) 

Sanzo : Why on earth did I run all the way here to rescue a brat I don't want anyway? Good riddance. Let them have each other.

And sf snuck up behind Sanzo and hit him -- _hard_ -- with the Wand of OOCness.

sf : _Sumimasen_, Sanzo-sama. 

And sf wandered off to write more Sanzo-abuse.

So Sanzo stood at the entrance of a great cave, where there were bats and things hanging from the walls.

...Walls...?

And then he realized that he'd been looking at the world funny, because someone (sf) had hit him too hard over the head and now he was on the floor. Then his view was filled with the none-too-appealing sight of eefs looming over head.

eefs was dressed entirely in black, down (or up) to the pointy hat that had wrinkle in it. And she pointed a black wand with a black star at the end and screamed "Turn into a frog!"

Sanzo rolled his eyes. In some ways, being a frog was preferable to being Sanzo-in-MS-land. Not that the curse worked, mind you. You need to wave the wand in a more suggestive fashion and chant pseudo latin. _Xenopus transformus_ for example.

...Why, yes. _Xenopus_ is the scientific name for frogs...

Sanzo : If I were you, I'd get out of the way quickly.

eefs : Why?

Sanzo : Because all the other MSes *nods at the approaching cloud on the horizon* are headed this way.

eefs was, if anything, not as stupid as fs, so she made good and disappeared in a cloud of black smoke. And Sanzo, being anything but stupid, latched onto her as she teleported away.

*eefs and Sanzo appear in another part of MS-land, collapsing in a heap.* 

*The Muse pops up long enough to take incriminating photos, then runs as gun shots are heard*.

Sanzo : What the hell is it with your teleportation?  
eefs : Yeah, what about it?  
Sanzo : It sucks!  
eefs : It works! 

Sanzo rolls his eyes and stands up. They'd gone through a shift in tense by accident. They were no longer in the past, except sporadically, but they are still very tense. And the grammar got so bad that sf changes back to past.

(Now *that* took a bit of skill to write.)

And Sanzo says : I've found your secret hideout!  
And eefs says : Hah! You can't have, because it's secret, and only I know where it is!  
And Sanzo says : But I'm right here!  
And eefs says : Hah, but you still don't know where you are, right?  
And Sanzo says : Oh bugger, you're write.

Er...

'Right'.

And sf wondered how other fanfic authors manage to screw up their tenses so badly. It takes quite a lot of skill.

And eefs says : But nevermind because we're both in a cave and it's dark and people are bound to get hentai thoughts anyway.  
And Sanzo, through sheer dint of effort, broke the Tezuka zone -- I mean -- broke the Bad-Tense zone, and _said_ : Screw you!  
And eefs says : But that's the idea!  
And Sanzo said : Where is Sanzofs?

eefs paused. This wasn't the way it was supposed to go. She ran back to the library, which miraculously appeared when she needed it, and thumbed through the 'Getting a Sanzo for Mary Sues' handbook.

"Method number #634234," she read. "Drag him into a dark cave, against his will or otherwise, and seduce him."

She paused. The book had not been explicitly clear on what 'seduce him' entailed.

In the meantime...

...There was no meantime. Sanzo wandered off through the cave. He would have gotten lost, except that he was already lost. So he simply became more lost.

And sf lost interest in the fic and wandered off into the darkness.

__

To be continued...  
*cue for thunder and evil laughter*


End file.
